If you have ever taken the time out to read my blogs, website, forum etc… you wouldn’t be blamed for thinking that I used to be someone with a quick temper, a passion for fighting and was involved in criminal activities. I was part of a large group of people, gang, firm whatever you want to call it… it wasn’t the firm but it was a firm all the same. Our area, manor, territory (again, you pick the terminology) was mainly East and North London with fingers in pies that stretched into Essex, South London, West London, Ireland, Manchester, Spain, with the odd bit of business with certain people who lived in certain areas. We weren’t big time compared to those who you read about in books, we didn’t have the mafia shitting themselves and we never said we were more than what we were.
We earned money from illegal enterprises, we earned from collecting, we earned from security work, we earned full stop. We were also leant on, threatened and made to feel our lives were in danger because some people felt we were betting too big and taking a too bigger slice of the pie… I don’t know about your kitchen, but if the pie is running out you bake a new one. That’s how I see life; I can’t see the point of worrying about one thing, because if you have a brain in your head you should be thinking of the next thing. That was me and my lot, I saw the money, the violence, the good, the bad and the ugly, I saw friends leave this mortal coil too early and I saw scum not get it early enough. There are those that seem to want to chastise me because they hadn’t heard of me, I got news for ya, I didn’t hear about you either so what does that say? Nothing. I have those that feel that the history they have created for themselves makes them more than me, I say “well done but what have you done lately?” There are those that are quick to jump on a band wagon even when they don’t even know what tune is being played. Then there are those that feel you still have to be the person you used to be, why? I have spent years moving away from that world, I don’t care if someone insults me, it’s just words, I get threatened and don’t retaliate, that’s not intimidation that’s knowing that all threats are empty… that’s the whole point of a threat. It stops being empty the second someone actually follows through with it, until then just words. I issue public apologies to someone, that’s not me running scared that’s me admitting I was in the wrong and being the bigger person to acknowledge it. It’s comes down to what I think about myself as a person not what others think about me, I’ve paid my dues to those whose opinions actually mattered to me, I don’t owe anyone else anything… I give because I want to give the same way I’ll take when the moment I need to arrives. There are those that are foolish enough to believe that my laid back approach is a sign of weakness, it’s not weakness, it’s a case of mind over matter… I don’t mind because you don’t matter.
Recently, I was publically targeted with my address being displayed on the internet, the person who posted had to hide behind a false name and IP addresses despite being someone who has “done more in a morning than I have in a lifetime” (there words not mine). He couldn’t see how by doing what he did he could be of been putting my family in danger from those out there that would do something for the sake of doing something. He said that he wanted to prove a point that he knew how to get to me, how did he say this to me, by email… so he could of emailed and enlightened me with the fact he knew my address without publically airing it on the internet for anyone to see. It would have provided the same desired effect for him but would have got a quieter response from me. I don’t need to name this person, he informs me that his time for me has expired and advises we just go our separate ways on the subject, which I’m happy to do. Why, because I am scared, no, it’s because I have a young family at home that doesn’t need to be put into a situation because someone would rather post my address on the internet because they can’t see the danger that could incur in today’s world where the cost of a life is that of whatever is in your pockets at the time than just contact me direct and in private. That’s all I have to say on that particular incident, it’s what lead on from that that I feel more compelled to write about.
Because this was all public, those who I call ‘friend’, also then publically chastised me for not retaliating, questioning my motives and lack of action. What do they expect the right course of action to be, I don’t know, what do I do to make things balanced? Go round their house and do what, argue with them, fight them, spray paint some private information about their family on their walls? What would that prove, nothing… if I did that to you what would be your response… it would be to do someone thing back and so it goes on… the only way it would stop would be to kill them so they couldn’t do anything like that again. But then there would be someone else to carry on the bouts of to’ing and throwing, who would want to kill me for what I had done… anything less would be empty and if looked at logically would be a waste and pointless – so why do anything? If I’m wrong in how I see it all then please highlight to me your course of action and be sure to include all the consequences that would come with your reaction… once all the pro’s and con’s are there, you tell me if one side outweighs the other. In the meantime I’ll stick with my chilled out, water off a ducks back approach and let it go over my head. I know that is the best course of action, logic tells me it is, like minded people tell me it is, the authorities will tell me the same thing… so why prolong something that doesn’t need to be drawn out? I don’t hold anything against my friend for having his opinion, it’s one of the things I admire about him and I’m confident that he will see this blog as me clearing the air in public view and understand it is not him I am directing this to but the general readers ever where I post my personal rants.
Still, the questioning of my methods and reaction does make ya second guess yourself and makes your mind go back to a time where logic wouldn’t factor into it. If someone had pulled that stroke 15 years ago, what would have happened… the stupid course of action would have unfolded… my lot would have driven to where ever we needed to be and done some physical damage and would have relished the onslaught that would have followed. My associates would have joined in and put the word out for any and all to have a pop at this person, his family, his home etc… favours would have been called in, sides would have been taken and it would have become a case of where ever the chips may lie. Because that’s how it used to get dealt with, no internet, no email exchanges, no blogs, no public involvement – just plain old violence with no consequences, talks of broken codes, boundaries crossed, street justice prevailed.
It just seems like a simpler time, eye for an eye and all that… I took that same attitude into the work place with me when I was trying to start over. I had a line manager that just didn’t like me because of the person I was, my interview was with his boss and most of it centred on door work and celebrities I had met rather than experience in the field I was applying for. As time went on, my line manager kept digging and made waves… so one Saturday he was paid a visit and his ankle was shattered. He hobbled into work a week or so later on crutches, saying it was a rugby accident… I took the piss; he threw that ‘I’m your boss’ routine in my face and the following weekend his other ankle was shattered. He left in the end and so did I, I just changed companies but he moved countries… horses for courses I guess. As the years rolled on I gave up that kind of course of action although I think back to it and wondered if I did the right thing… you want promotion but that person above you won’t leave… beat them until they do, your boss gives you a hard time, beat them so they spend time in hospital leaving you alone, you have someone whose gonna cost ya £80k in redundancy costs, beat them so they quit… someone calls the cops on ya, have them beaten by someone else until they drop the charges… that’s how it used to be… so is going back to that way of thinking really that wrong? Is the caveman approach so outdated that it wouldn’t work? Is violence a thing of the past? Are people not scared anymore of being a victim? Of course it would still work in today’s world… the majority of people who know no different are still concerned about physical confrontation, they still believe that the police and the justice system will protect them and dish out righteousness, they would still cave and give you what you want in exchange for not being harmed any further. And it’s that knowledge that lets me know I shouldn’t question myself… if someone pulled the same tactic with me, I know what I would do, I know there are those that would still walk through hell with me, why? Because I’m one of the minorities who’s used to violence and confrontation, I’ve paid my dues, I have loyal friends and family that would do whatever needed to be done to make a problem go away and that’s how I know I don’t have to dance to someone else’s tune or worry about what someone else thinks about my moves.
The dark times are over for me… I’ve been there no matter what someone who doesn’t know me, my family or life say… I don’t need to prove what I used to be like, I don’t need to grunt and swear to put a point across, and I don’t need to act hard and tough to uphold a fabricated image. It used to be about street reputation not ghost written biographies, It used to be what you could do on your own not in a group, it used to be about being someone to others rather than others having to promote you’re someone.
All these mixed emotions had me think about the things I have done in my life, the good things, the bad things, the violent things and the creative things… which leads me on to share the very first piece of work I ever had published, many moons ago. They say music soothes the savage beast, but I think it’s poetry that aids the violent… expression in words is something that seems to go hand in hand with people in our circles… whether it be spoken, song lyrics, stories or things like this:
Dream or Reality?
I had a dream or is it real?An omen, portent, a vision of dread,Rubbled city skies fall beneathA blanket of darkness.The world is in decay, destruction is here.The Devil reigns supreme.
Cries in the polluted air.Sirens for survivors to hear and gather.Wailing from children, grieving for the dead.What brought on this wrath?Pray to a God, forgiveness is soughtPlease bless us with salvation.
In the form of light, hope is given,Rays of warmth shine through.From the blackness a single candle flameFlickers to and fro, dancing the tango of life.Raised spirits, heart filled joy, the people cheer,I just laugh and blow the candle out.
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