Innocent Death

Many years ago, I made a conscious effort to change my life, to turn my back on a world that only ever offered two choices, Jail or death neither of them really floated my boat so I did what I needed to do to make the changes happen. It was hard at first, you’re used to a certain reaction when something happens and you respond accordingly but that response doesn’t fly in the Joe Norn world of day jobs, taxes and day to day responsibilities. I made mistakes, big ones trying to adjust, to fit in, I still do... some cost me more than I like to admit, others are small enough to learn from and rectify. I tell myself that it all goes towards helping me grow as a person and become a balanced role model for my kids and future grandkids, that violence isn’t the answer to every problem. I now deplore violence, I’m happy to never be faced with it again and if that means being branded a coward, a pussy, a fraud then so be it... I can live with that, I can’t live with being dead... the names called and labels given are just words, and as someone driven by writing I see them for what they are. In the 12 years I spent working the doors, I must have been insulted around a 50 times a night, 6 nights a week... do you honestly believe that something is going to be said that hasn’t been said before? And verbally attacking my family, really... why get annoyed, are the slurs true???? Hell no, so why bite? A cool head will always prevail over a hot one... no I’m happy to grow up and leave my past in the past, where it belongs... away from the eyes of those whose opinions matter the most to me and that is my children. A fist is nothing but a closed hand that is unable to accept the gifts that an open palm can... I’m not trying to disown my actions as a younger man, I wasn’t a nice person, and I hung around with equally or worse people and was in a world where violence and death were real outcomes to stupid and simple situations... I saw a total of 23 deaths in a short space of time, mindless and pointless but accepted.

I suppose the reason behind me seeing the flaws in a world that I was part of (and still have friends and associates that still go around and around those circles) is that I was of an age that I understood the consequences, I knew what the reality of my actions were and knew how to move on. This week however, brought home the other side to it all, when you don’t understand or grasp the reality of death... where compassion rather than coldness is required, and the tears of innocence brings you more pain than any amount of violence could.

Whilst most of Britain was enjoying the benefits that a snow day brought on Monday (02.02.09), my youngest daughter’s friend Holly died from Meningitis, she had only recently turned 5. Other than seeing Holly the odd time in the playground when picking up my kids from school, I didn’t know her or her parents but my little girl Paige did. She attended Holly’s birthday party in October of last year, where Holly looked a picture of health after a 5 year battle with Leukaemia, she had finally been given the all clear, and she had a prosperous life ahead of her. However on the weekend leading up to the nation’s snow day happiness, Holly contracted a form of Meningitis that robbed her of all her hopes and dreams in a matter of days... I know from experience that there aren’t enough words or sentiment that I could send her family that would even begin to ease their pain so I’ll not make out that I even tried, it goes without saying that no parent should outlive their child.

My pain was from watching my daughters’ reaction to the news that we had to break to her on Wednesday night, the school had sent home a letter to the parents confirming the news and highlighted that the school had yet to make an official announcement to the children and wanted us to speak and inform our kids first. There had been talk and rumour flying around the playground that day from children whose parents were friends of Holly’s parents, but they didn’t fully understand what was being said to them. That night my wife (and better half) D and I kept looking at each other without saying anything, both knowing we had to brooch the subject but not knowing when, we waited till after dinner and before dessert, hoping the promise of something sweet and yummy might dull the sadness... it didn’t. It took some explaining to Paige before she grasped what was being told to her, her eyes welled up and she started to cry now fearful that other people she loves were going to die, including us, her sister, other friends and her grand parents... I hate not being able to make certain pains and realities go away... I hated those that feel violence and threats of death are the only answer... I hated the fact that my innocent children had to know and feel the hurt that comes from the death of a friend at such a young age, but kids are resilient, they bounce back like nothing had happened. My Paige’s first thought was to draw a picture of her friend that also depicted how sad she was that her friend was no longer able to run around with her in the playground but by the time the picture was finished, my pleased little girl said that she would give the picture to Holly the next day to cheer her up which in return meant another bout of highlighting to her that Holly wasn’t going to be around anymore, more tears, more heartache.

The next day, all the children had been told about Holly and the kids grieved to the best of their understanding and ability... I picked my kids up from school that day and I witnessed the sadness on the faces of the children as they left the building and ran to their parents waiting arms, in desperate need of that embrace of security and protection that only a parent can give. By the time we reached home that day, Paige told her mum about how sad everyone was about Holly and that she would invite Holly to her birthday party to cheer her up... even with all the support of friends, teachers and parents... the reality to understand about life and death was above these young kids’ heads and I felt a lump in my throat as I pondered how many days would go by before my innocent little girl realised that Holly wouldn’t ever be returning to school so they could run around the playground together.